Interview with "Sex @ 11 with Rebecca"

Today seemed to be my own personal Media Day. First I did an interview with CNN about TreeRing.com, the website that my son's school used to create its yearbook. (I was a co-editor, something I volunteered to do in a moment of insanity.) We'll see if any of the footage makes the light of day. Still, it was fun, and if the comments afterwards from the TreeRing.com folks are true, I did an OK job. It was nice to feel that I'm slightly good at something (I haven't been feeling that way so much lately...but that's the subject for another post).

Then, tonight, I did an interview with Rebecca Rosenblat, a.k.a. Dr. Date, for her TV show "Sex @ 11 with Rebecca." We talked about What Women Really Want in Bed and What Men Really Want in Bed, the top 3 sex tips guys need to know--and a few tips for women, too.

It was a fun interview; Rebecca made me feel right at home. But I guess I was a little nervous, because when I started talking about What Women Really Want in Bed, I realized I was talking about the men we surveyed, not the women. Oops. But after that little glitch, things went smoothly...

...until my son burst in the room as I was talking about how men need to pay attention to the clitoris. Yeah, that was a little distracting. My husband, who was supposed to be watching our small human, claimed he had run upstairs before he could catch him, like some sort of pint-sized Olympic sprinter.

Moral of the story: If you're a sex author, look the office door when you're doing an interview.

And how can you listen in? The show only airs in Canada, but the producers are sending me a DVD of it. Which I'll post here.

Watch our new book trailer!

I love our new commercial for What Men Really Want in Bed. Take a peek.

I have to thank Ben and Stew of Bay Area Pictures for the great work (and his patience).

Watch the book trailer for Secret Seductions.

The book trailer for Secret Seductions is online! Take a look.



Many thanks to Ben Hess of Bay Area Pictures for the great work!

Win a copy of Secret Seductions...

...although not on this blog (yet). My friend (and Jennifer Connelly lookalike) Rachel Sarah wrote an incredibly nice post about me on her blog, Single Mom Seeking. Thanks, Rachel!

Rachel's also giving away copies of my new book, Secret Seductions, along with two others, one of which I'd had when I was dating: Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date by Rachel Greenwald.

By the way, Rachel says in her blog that she wants to know my "secret." Well, I want to know hers! My admiration for single parents knows no bounds. I don't think you're going to be "seeking" for very long (Lucky Guy sounds like an absolute gem).

PowerPoint breakup.

Wish I'd thought of this back when I was dating. Although once I did create a line chart showing my then-boyfriend (now husband) how the possibility of me saying "yes" to a marriage proposal decreased precipitously the longer he waited.

A sex writer's top 15 first-date tips for guys.

A male friend recently asked me for some "first-date advice." I haven't had a first date in about six years, but that didn't stop me. Here's what I told him:

1. Remember these words: "Swiss boarding school." Deport yourself at all times as if you attended an elite Swiss boarding school that emphasized manners and deportment. You don't have to bow or address her as "Milady," you just have to pay attention to #2.

2. Chivalry is not dead. Open doors for her. Pull out her chair. Help her on and off with her coat. Don't make a big deal of it, just do it. This tells her that your mother brought you up well and that you know how to treat a woman.

3. A tip for the Internet age: Don't email (or IM, or text message) back and forth for months without asking her out. Once you've established some basic rapport, seal the deal. Suggest meeting in person with a specific time and place. "Wanna meet for coffee sometime?" is lame. "Would you like to meet at the Savoy Cafe in North Beach on Saturday afternoon?" shows that you have some class. This benefits you, too: you won't waste weeks developing a deep online connection, only to discover that you have the chemistry of two Pet Rocks when you meet in person. (You do remember Pet Rocks, don't you?)

4. Don't call her on a Friday to see if she wants to "hang out" on Saturday. That's just disrespectful. She has a life. Give her some advance notice. A week is nice, but don't call her any later than Wednesday for a weekend date.

5. If you're meeting for dinner, MAKE A RESERVATION. A guy once asked me to the symphony, but neglected to make dinner reservations and so we did the Bataan Death March around the San Francisco Civic Center looking for a place to eat. I failed to see this as the first of many red flags, and my relationship with Evil Neal is now the stuff of legend.

6. Offer to pick her up (Evil Neal had me meet him at the local Starbucks for our second date, lame-o), and make sure to walk her to her car.

7. Pay for her. I'm a raving feminist, but this is the way it is. You ask her out, you pay. Even if she asks you you, you pay. Whether it's coffee or dinner, YOU pay. Comprendez-vous? If she's got any class at all, she'll reach for her purse (if she doesn't, that says something right there). But don't let her pay. Don't expect anything in return, although it's nice if she offers to pay for coffee or a drink later, if there is a later.

8. Treat waiters and other service people with extreme politeness. Nothing will turn a date off sooner than someone who's an asshole to the waiter.

9. Ask her questions about herself without turning it into an interrogation. I don't need to belabor this. You know how to carry on a conversation with another adult.

10. On the flip side, some women--especially those with training as journalists, not that I'm mentioning any names--are very good at drawing people out. Do not, under any circumstances, violate Cynthia's 20-Question Rule, wherein she asks you 20 questions before you've asked her a single one. Yes, this has happened to me. I counted. By the time our appetizers arrived, I could have written his biography.

11. Relax, and be yourself. Do not try to impress her or be someone you're not. Even if it's not a love match, it's nice to make a friend because it is a very small world. My husband tried way to hard to impress me on our first date, and I almost sprinted out of the cafe. Obviously, I gave him another chance, but that's another story.

12. Do not under any circumstances complain about your ex(es), unless you happen to find yourself talking about relationships and you can turn it into the world's funniest story without revealing the slightest trace of bitterness.

13. Relax, and be yourself.

14. A hug is perfectly OK at the end of a nice evening. So is a quick kiss if you can tell that there's mutual attraction. Note: on my second date with the man who is now my husband, I totally thought we were going to play tonsil hockey (the bottle of wine may have helped), so I went and brushed my teeth. He could tell, and gave me a hug instead. By being non-sluttish, he actually created intrigue. Nice strategy, and too bad he's forgotten.

14a. As for anything else...well, obviously one hopes for that, but perhaps not after a first date, even if you bought her a really, really nice dinner. I would worry a bit about anyone who jumps in bed with you too soon ("you" being generic because of course, you're irresistible). No matter what a woman says, assume that she will expect a relationship after you have sex.

15. Last but not least, relax, and be yourself.

I hope this helps my friend, who is inexplicably single despite his keen wit and well-developed biceps. I hope it helps you, or someone you know. Because even if you're one of my six married female readers...well, sometimes our hubbies need a reminder. Or 15.

Next up (eventually): A sex writer's top 10 first-date tips for gals. (You want sex tips? Buy the book.)

And now, because I can't get enough relationship angst, I'm off to watch "Tell Me You Love Me" on HBO.

Whew.

The new guy at Cami's Music Together class is not someone I dated.

How did I find this out? I made my husband go introduce himself. (I'm so clever. I should work for the CIA.)

This revealed that his name was not...oh, Ewan, shall we say. And he did not have a British accent. So. Not the guy.

Why you should be nice to people you date.

In an effort to find something fun to do Saturday mornings other than watching Teletubbies, we signed up for a Music Together class. The first "semester," our teacher was a nice blonde German lady named Regine. Cami was absolutely entranced by Regine. In fact, he often spent the entire 45 minutes staring at her slack-jawed. (He takes after my husband in that respect.)

This semester, our Music Together teacher is Sean. Cami is a little stunned that Sean is not Regine, but he seems to enjoy class. That is, he giggles and laughs and stares at the pretty girls and bangs on drums. Then he helps put the instruments away, which makes my heart swell with pride.

This is all backstory to what happened this morning.

We arrived during the singing of the first song, So Glad to See You. (We were late because Mommy was super cranky and we had to make an emergency caffeine stop at Peet's.) The first thing I noticed was that some new parents and kids had joined our little group. Then, about halfway through Little Brass Wagon, I realized that one of the new dads looked familiar. Hmmm, I thought. Where do I know this guy from?

Then it hit me: I think he was someone I dated about 7 years ago, post-divorce and pre-Nima. I'd met him on Match.com (there! I said it! I did Internet dating!), and we only went out on about 5 dates, including a misbegotten ski trip. But still, there he was (if it was really him), sitting across from me with a very cute little blonde boy of about 3.

I'm not sure which was more mortifying:

1. The fact that my life has changed to the extent that I'm running into old beaus not at work conferences or restaurants or even at the grocery store, but at an "enrichment activity" designed for the 0-4-year-old set; or
   
2. That I couldn't remember whether this was someone I actually slept with.
   

After class, as The Guy I Might Have Slept With chatted with Teacher Sean, I tried to eavesdrop. If he had a British accent, it was probably him. But the bastard foiled me by speaking too softly. Later, as we all sat in the foyer struggling with kids' shoes and jackets, I came this close to introducing (re-introducing?) myself. But then I lost my nerve.

Probably because seven years ago, I'd dumped him for a guy who then turned out to be bipolar, and probably an alcoholic. I was making choices that were just that good at that point in my life. (In fairness to me, The Guy I Might Have Slept With wasn't acting that interested in me. He'd even told me I could date other people, which I did, just to spite him. But his biggest crime was that he had made me watch Starship Troopers.)

My husband thought it was all very funny. He loves lurid tales about my past.

But here's the scary thing. This isn't the first time this has happened. Last year, Nima and I were touring a potential daycare when a guy walked in to drop off his two kids. After a few seconds, I realized that he was an Irish guy who wined and dined me at Spago, and then stood me up for our third date. After borrowing my copy of Asylum, which he never returned. (My husband calls these little embarrassments with foreigners my "European setbacks.")

That's the thing about the past. It won't come back to haunt you in church. Or on your deathbed. It'll come back to you at a potential daycare. Or in music class, as you're singing Hello, Everybody, So Glad to See You. So behave yourselves.