Thursday, March 06, 2008

Bye bye, meds.

I got rid of my extra meds this morning. And as soon as I'd done it, my eyes welled up with tears. That surprised me.

But here's the thing: I didn't get rid of all of them. I still have one partially used Follistim pen in the fridge. But what am I thinking? That I'm going to randomly inject myself in the first half of my cycle, just to see what happens? Yeah, that would be safe.

Oh, the stories we tell ourselves.

Clearly, I'm still holding on to...something.

But if it's this bad with the meds, wait until I start giving away and selling the baby gear.


Spocko said...

I had a thought the other day. I joked about wanting to be a bigger influence in my nephews' lives because of how I could mold and shape them and how when I'm old they will come and take care of me in San Francisco. "Visit SF, enjoy the sights, take care of your sick elderly Uncle!" (who could resist?)

Since I'm very self centered, it took me awhile to notice it was all about me and how I would influence them. Then I got to spend some time with them and I realized how much fun they were. I didn't need to mold and shape them.

This whole Legacy thing is kind of kicking my butt these days since my dad died. But my great uncle didn't have kids and he had a huge impact on the whole extended family based on how he walked through the world and what he did with his life. He made an impact that lives on in all of his nephews, nieces, great nephews nieces and their families. I even got a gold coin that he passed on to my father. The date? 1906! (Denver Mint) But he wasn't just about money, he was about education and helping others. He was respected and loved.

When I was back in the mid-west for the funeral of my uncle (just before my dad died) I was the entertainer for all my nephews and children of my cousins. I was the funny magic-man uncle who lives in San Francisco. I figure one of the 49 is probably gay or will need a place to go where he won't be beaten down with conventions. I'll be glad to welcome them.

But having a family of ones own has a strong pull. I understand your reluctance.

What do people do who can't have kids? One is to connect with other people's kids. And I think that has real value too.

I try and connect with my nephews. What is interesting is seeing parts of myself (and my dad, their grandfather) in them.

One is a techno geek (I should tell him who I vacationed with in Aspen one year) another is a liberal who is into politics and the third is an actor with a sly sense of humor. I got to connect with all of them and encourage their gifts. This is part of my legacy. It is not the same as having my own child, but I can help those children be as happy, healthy and most important --good men. In a world with lots of bad men and lots of challenges we will need good men.

I'd like to think being a favorite Uncle means something. I don't have kids who can be proud of me, but I do have family who can be proud me.

P.S. Tilda Swinton, best Actress!
Woot! (My favorite scene in the movie -her last, did you notice what she did when Clooney walked away?)

Cynthia W Gentry said...

Spocko...thanks for the comment (I think). I'm not quite sure how it relates to my post, but I'm glad you shared. :-) I'm tired and probably not making good connections right now.

Cynthia W Gentry said...

P.S. I did notice what Swinton's character did when Clooney's character walked away in that final scene (which was the best in the movie). Two great actors.

denise said...

Oh Cindi, I am so sorry and bummed the last round did not turn out the way you had hoped. I have been rooting for you and hoping for a Hail Mary! Hope we can see each other when you're up for a playdate w/Cami soon.

Spocko said...

Sorry if my post seemed off topic. I guess I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry this round didn't work and that sometime I'd love to share my fun uncle skills with you son.

I juggle, do magic tricks and read stories with multiple funny voices.
I've been told I'm a big hit with the under 7 crowd.